you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
