first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
