matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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