i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
