either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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