I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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