I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
