Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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