Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
