I'm so fucking centered right now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
