You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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