you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
