By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
