Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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