you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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