I am puke
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As shirtless as possible
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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