You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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