I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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