Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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