A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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