Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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