I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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