If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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