I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
