You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
