Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
