Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My bed smells like the plague
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
