i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
