Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
