1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
