So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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