I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
