Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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