I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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