why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
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I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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