Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize