2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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