I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My penis needs a shock collar
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
