I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
