you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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