That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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