you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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