I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
