when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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