Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
