I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.