Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.