is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it