My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
