She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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