Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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