if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
tell me about the fingering
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