if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
