we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
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That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch