I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
