The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
